Title
by Lanie McCoy
Summary: And then the Tantei arrived at Kubikukuri Island, and they met up with their new teammate Mary--and then she died! Heroically! ...But she came back to life. About twenty times. A parody of classic "rewriting the series to include this random OC."


My first attempt at a humor fic.

Be afraid. Very, very afraid. As in, run-for-the-hills-your-life-is-coming-to-an-end afraid. Totally spur-of-the-moment-random-fun.

WARNING: RATED FOR SPOOFING AND BAD LANGUAGE.

**Disclaimer: I don't own…er…anything? (Man, how unoriginal…)**

_Title_

"Well, guys," Yuusuke said, opening his arms, "welcome to the Dark Tournament!"

Kurama tapped him on the shoulder. "Eeto, Yuusuke-kun… 'Irasshai wa Ankoku Bujutsukai,' ne?"

Yuusuke face-faulted. "Kurama!" he gasped. "What do you mean, 'Ankoku Bujutsukai'? Of course that's what I said! You're repeating yourself—I mean, me!"

Kurama smiled and nodded.

Conveniently for Yuusuke, a bouncy young girl bounced up to the four fighters at just that moment. In a particularly bouncy manner, and in a voice that would have bounced, had it had mass, she squealed, "Hey, guys! Welcome to Hanging Neck Island!"

"Kubikukuri Island," Kurama corrected her. She turned rather pretty enormous blue eyes on him, exactly the color of his own, despite being blue.

"That's what I said, silly!" She giggled girlishly, and had her bounciness not immediately repelled all of them, it would have been attractive in a cute sort of way. "You're so funny!"

Kurama smiled and nodded.

Hiei rolled his eyes. "Woman," he said sharply. "We have a room awaiting us, no?"

"You sure do!" she cried, obviously over-excited about something. You'd think she'd be more sullen, you know, on an island full of man-hating and man-eating demons who probably want to chow down on her very flesh, but no. Maybe she was just super-happy that her long lost true love had finally arrived.

"I hope you don't mind," she said as she led them to the hotel (which, incidentally, had the words "Kubikukuri Hotel" mounted right over the door, which you'd think would have given this girl some sort of clue as to the name of the island, but apparently not), "but you'll be having a roommate. Her name's Mary¹ and she's kind of a jerk, but maybe you guys can all get along! Wouldn't that be super?"

Hiei appeared about to gag on his own vomit, and Kuwabara was looking down disdainfully at the girl and her overly hyper personality, and Yuusuke was trying to block her out. Kurama was smiling cordially, secretly hating this child and wishing her death to rapidly approach.

"Ma-lii?" Kurama asked, rolling the word around on his tongue.² The girl nodded.

"Yup, Mary! Oh, yeah, and I'm Kari! I hope we'll all get to be friends, don't you? That'd be super!"

"I can tell you something that'd be super…" Hiei hissed. Kurama laid a placating hand on his shoulder, and he subsided. Visibly, anyway.

She flounced over to the front desk, suddenly gained a surprising amount of grace, and asked, in plain, straightforward Japanese (or was it English? Or maybe Engrish?), for the room key to number 104. The woman working there smiled, nodded, and handed her the little brass key. Thanks were exchanged, and Kari flounced back over to the four fighters.

"Here you go-o-o-o!" she sang, handing them the key. "Mary's already up there, of course. Don't mind her—I bet she's brooding in the corner or something. What a sourpuss! Well, have fun!"

And with that stirring endorsement, Kari evaporated. Apparently, she was a water demon with some peculiar abilities.

Apparently.

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"Gomenkudasai?" Kurama called as he rapped on the door, and Hiei forced the key into the lock. Without waiting for an answer, Yuusuke swung it open, and, surely enough, Mary was seated in the corner, brooding in a very angst-ridden-past sort of way. Long, pretty black hair cascaded down her back (terrible for fighting, and we all know she's obviously a fighter, but long, shiny hair is standard, so let's go with it), and they could make out that she was dressed in a pretty and very fashionable pink-and-black silk tunic (silk—terrible for fighting (and very expensive and bound to get bloody, which begs the question: "Why not burlap or something?")) and shiny (bad move; easily spotted) black (note the angst-y implication) silk (bad for movement and tears easily) cutoffs (why would you wear silk cutoffs, I wonder).

"Konban wa," Kurama greeted Mary tentatively, trying to be polite.

"S-w you," she grumbled. "What the f-k do you want?"

"To congratulate you on your ability to edit your speech as you use it," Yuusuke retorted, dropping his bag on one of the four small beds in the room. "The hell is up with that?"

"This fic is rated G, isn't it, you potty mouth?" Mary muttered. "Mind your manners. We want everyone out there to be able to see Hiei fall in love with me, regardless of their age."

Hiei subtly stepped back to press himself closer to Kurama, and the kitsune draped an arm over the youkai's chest.

Yuusuke muttered to Kuwabara.

"'Fic'? What the hell is she talking about? D'you think she's on something?"

"I dunno, but do we have to speak in G-rated language while we're here?"

"Fuck no."

Hiei, meanwhile, had slipped out of Kurama's grasp and moved over to another of the beds. He made a small observation.

"There are only four beds here."

Mary nodded, looking over her shoulder so they could see her large, sparkling, curiously bloodred eyes (exactly the shade of Hiei's, as a matter of fact, only prettier (provided that's possible—Hiei has some damn pretty eyes)). "Conveniently enough, the most beds per room at this hotel is four. Two people will have to share one. I assume it won't be Yuusuke and Kuwabara, so Hiei, you'll share with me."

"O?" Kurama asked, stepping back over to the youkai. "Sou ka? Kamoshirenai Hiei dame watashi wakachia wa, mushiro?"

Mary looked back at him incredulously. "What the h-l are you on, boy?" she asked.

Kurama smiled and nodded.

_Shineh, yaro._

"Can we, or not?" Hiei interrupted. Mary shifted her gaze to him, and a little of the wall built stoically around her heart lifted. Visibly, for simplicity's sake.

"Can you what?" she asked, trying and failing to keep the dreamy tone from her voice.

Hiei huffed, running a hand through his hair. "Can Kurama and I share a bed, instead of my sharing with you?" He smirked in an arrogant kind of way. "Because I _really_ don't want to share with you."

Her expression turned steely in a fraction of an instant, and she grit her teeth. Kurama sat on the bed, fearing the sure-to-come rant's impact.

"My angst-ridden past has been filled with enough of my family members dying tragically in battle, as they valiantly saved my life and the lives of my friends and villagers, and enough of my true loves leaving me for some…some class-act bitch, or some—some _man-whore!_" Mary shrieked, forcing her eyes to tear. "No! I refuse to let you sleep with _him!_ You are _my_ true love, and you will marry _me,_ and we will have_ beautiful_ children, and _I_ will convince you to tell Yukina you are her brother, and you _will_ love _me_ and I _will_ love _you,_ and we _will_ be faithful 'til the end of _time!_"

Gasping for breath, Mary sat back in her brooding corner and continued to brood over her angst-y past.

"Who said anything about sleeping?" Yuusuke whispered to Kuwabara (as they were both quite aware and quite accepting of their two friends' relationship). The humans laughed.

"I'm afraid it isn't up to you," Hiei replied, sitting in Kurama's lap and completely ignoring the fact that Mary somehow knew Hiei and Yukina were related. Kurama smiled and wrapped his arms around his lover's middle.

"Oh," Mary said, turning around. "Are you still here? I was caught up in my brooding angst."

"I'm certain," Kuwabara muttered.

"Well!" Yuusuke shouted, stretching his arms over his head, "We've got a serious fight ahead of us tomorrow, so let's pack it in and get to sleep—er, something!" Turning to the kitsune and his youkai on the bed, Yuusuke faked a stern look. "And no sex, you two. We need you ready and raring to go in the morning."

Mary shivered.

Hiei smirked.

Kurama faked an innocent glance as convincing as Yuusuke's sternness.

"Daredemo anta iidasu?"

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"Ooh," Koto shrieked (because we've made a major time leap forward to the next day (pretend Kurama and Hiei had sex last night, 'cause you know they did, not like that's relevant)), "and Kuwabara loses the point for Team Urameshi!"

"That's totally unfair!" Kuwabara screamed, teetering over, still bound in yo-yo strings. "I couldn't move!"

"That's _your_ problem," Koto replied. "Next fighters to the ring!"

Kurama stepped forward, but Mary, who appeared completely out of nowhere, pushed him back and took his place in the ring.

"I'll go," she said nobly. "Don't hurt yourself." Tossing a sly look over her shoulder, she bit out, "Because you _will_ get hurt."

Kurama gaped slightly before Hiei took his hand and the two stepped back to watch.

Roto twirled up onstage. "Ooh, pretty," he drooled, grinning. Mary glared dryly, and Koto began the match.

"Ready set go!"

Roto went to remove something from the inner pockets of his coat.

Mary shifted her stance, now with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face.

Roto's expression twisted into one of utter confusion, angry and dark. Then, surprise—his body began to come apart at the seams, and he splattered into the stands. What was left of him, anyway.

Yuusuke's and Kuwabara's mouths hung open. Kurama blinked, and Hiei's eyes narrowed.

"Impossible," he spat. Kurama nodded.

Mary leapt down from the podium and shook out her flowing black hair, brushing strands of it from her eyes. "How did you like _that,_ darling?" she asked, drawing a finger across Hiei's chin. He furiously wiped at it as she sauntered away.

Kurama kissed the spot lightly, and Hiei blushed.

"_Not in public,_" he growled, his cheeks bright red. Kurama smirked.

"Sou da."

Mary, meanwhile, tapped Hiei's shoulder, and he flinched.

"Hey, darling," she cooed, wrapping her arms around his neck. Hiei stiffened dramatically and his eyes grew wide. "So, babe," continued Mary, entirely oblivious, "were you impressed with what I did out there? How fast I moved? You know…" She trailed her lips across his neck and he clenched his teeth. "…We could put those skills to good use, couldn't we? C'mon, baby, whaddya say? Wanna…do it?"

Hiei slammed his elbow into Mary's chest and spat on the ground. While neither motion got her off of him, she did start slightly, tilting her head against his.

"Stop…touching…me…"

Mary moved back to look Hiei in the eye. "You don't like me, babe?" she asked pitifully, eyes watering. "You…you don't?"

Hiei used the brief opportunity to squirm out of her grasp.

"I _loath_ you."

"Want your man-whore, is that it!?" she shrieked, pointing at Kurama, who merely looked away and tilted his head to the crowd. "Your faggot little boy toy!? You hate me!"

"Yes, I do hate you."

"Get away from me, you—you—abusive little _bastard!_ How _dare_ you use me like that! I'm not your _sex goddess!!_"

Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Uh-huh."

"That'll get you a lot of sympathy here," Yuusuke noted sarcastically, gesturing to the demons littering the stands.

Said demons ogled her greedily, and she shrank back with a piercing shriek.

"Get _away!_" she shouted, batting her hand at them. A few catcalled, things along the lines of "But you're so _pretty!_"

Turning, she flounced out of the stadium. "I'll be in my _room!_"

Yuusuke cocked his head, and Kuwabara wrinkled his nose.

"Doesn't she mean _our_ room…?"

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Yuusuke slammed the door open as the four Tantei returned to their room, each splattered, liberally and not, with traces (or sheets, depending on who you mean) of blood and gore and general unpleasant things coming from the innards of other youkai. Making them all look all macho and stuff.

"Man," he said loudly, tearing off his shirt, "those were some tough battles! You guys all okay?"

"Yup."

"Hn."

"Hai."

"I'm okay, as long as my Hiei darling is feeling all right."

Yuusuke looked over his bare shoulder at Mary, who had temporarily stopped her brooding to look adoringly at Hiei. Said youkai shivered under her gaze, and she took no notice.

"You still here?" Yuusuke snapped. "I'd have thought you'd gotten the message that Hiei and Kurama don't appreciate you intruding on their relationship."

Mary stood, flouncing over to Hiei and draping herself over him. It was actually rather sickening. "Hiei dearest, tell your _friend_ here that you don't only not _mind_ me, but you _love_ and _adore_ me, and you would give your very _soul_ to ensure _my safety._"

Hiei shrugged her off. "What she said."

"Demo—"

Hiei turned his head to shoot a "Go with it" look to Kurama. The kitsune nodded trustingly.

"We've got fights tomorrow," Mary simpered, patting Hiei's cheek. He grit his teeth and nodded. "Dearest, you need your sleep. Get to bed. And the rest of you, you too. I want us all up bright and early to get a good crack at those nasty buggers on the Doctor Ichigaki team."

"Whoa, whoa," Kuwabara butted in. "How d'you know that we're fighting the Doctor Ichigaki team? The listings haven't been released yet!"

Mary smiled, self-important. "Didn't I tell you? In addition to being an S-class demon, a skilled master of _all_ the elements, swordsmanship, speed, and use of a whip, a brilliant strategist, a wonderful lover, and a beautiful woman, I'm also a talented psychic. As well as skilled in several other styles of martial arts and spectral powers that were just discovered. In me."

Kuwabara's head was spinning, and Yuusuke felt dizzy as he toppled to the matt. "Uh…huh."

"So, darling," she flaunted, hugging Hiei and draping herself over him again. Rather revolting, really. "Dearest love of mine, my one and only, my eventual mate and sharer of all things secret, get yourself off to bed and Kurama can sleep on the floor."

Hiei nodded, still clenching his teeth.

"Mm…_hmm._"

Mary moved around to kneel before Hiei. "Kiss me, beloved."

Kurama stepped forward, over to Kuwabara, and Hiei frantically stalled for time.

"I—I, er…can't…yet… Because it's not…it's not consummated? Yeah, and I have a strict policy against kissing women who I—er…haven't had sex with?" Suddenly realizing the implications of that excuse, Hiei hurriedly continued on. "And I can't have sex with you because—uh, because we haven't even kissed yet, and so I—well, as you can see, I'm really in a bind here, and I don't…see…"

Kurama leaned over and whispered into Hiei's ear.

"Close your eyes," Hiei ordered. "I've—uh—changed my mind, but I can't kiss you with your eyes open, it…er…ruins the effect."

Mary obligingly clamped her eyes shut, and Yuusuke snickered.

"Ooh, darling, you're _such_ a _magnificent_ kisser, and I…oh, _dearest…_" Mary somehow managed to get all this out while her mouth was otherwise occupied. The lone plot hole slunk away shyly.

"Nicely done, Kuwabara," Hiei said approvingly as their carrot topped friend stood up. Mary opened her eyes and shrieked.

"YOU—YOU'RE NOT HIEI! YOU'RE NOT EVEN A _BISHOUNEN!_ EWWWW! MY MOUTH—I FEEL SO DIRTY!"

Kuwabara, meanwhile, was in the process of trying to wipe off his tongue. "You're not the only one…" he mumbled.

"But…" Mary's eyes watered again. "But…but I was under the impression that _any_ guy would _love_ to kiss me! And you, Kuwabaka, you're such a player, I'd think you'd be _honored!_"

"How about you go ask that random hot bishounen wandering the marshes in a lonely kinda way?" Yuusuke asked dryly, pointing out the window. Ignoring the fact that Yuusuke hadn't actually been _looking_ out the window, and therefore couldn't have seen any random hot bishounen wandering the marshes, Mary shot out through the glass, miraculously not cutting herself at all. As she plummeted to the ground, she suddenly grew wings from her back (big, beautiful white things, they were, too) and flew off to seek out this random hot bishounen.

Yuusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, and Hiei wandered over to the window to watch Mary as she swooped around in search of the random hot bishounen. She was suddenly randomly blinded by a random lighting bolt from a random cloud, aimed directly at her because some random god thought she was too cocky (…or something). Hiei cheered, and Kurama smiled as Mary started to cry.

"OH!" she shouted, and they could hear her because…they could. "I CAN SEE AGAIN! MY TEARS, I'VE JUST DISCOVERED, HAVE SECRET, SUPER-SPECIAL HEALING POWERS! I SHALL BE FOREVER KNOWN, FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, AS JIGIRSTOUSHINHASANKUN-WA³, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS JAPANESE AND MEANS 'HEALER OF LIGHT AND ALL THINGS GENERALLY NOBLE AND GOOD'!"

The lonely little plot hole slunk away into the wild blue yonder.

Mary flew around in happy little circles. "COME, HIEI MY LOVE, AND MAKE OUT WITH ME AND WE SHALL HAVE WILD MIDAIR SEX!"

Kurama recoiled, Hiei shrunk to the floor, and Yuusuke and Kuwabara each slammed the blinds shut on the two windows.

Mary walked in the door and brushed her hair with the convenient-brush-from-nowhere-because-Mary-always-needs-perfect-hair. "Well, that was fun!" she said happily. Hiei scooted over and pushed himself under the bed, Kurama following him. They proceeded to make out at awkward angles, unseen by the clearly homophobic Mary.

"Where did you come from?" Yuusuke asked.

"Oh, that hole pitching me directly from that field there to the hallway in front of our room, didn't you see it?"

"Oh," Kuwabara reasoned, "you mean the plot hole?"

Mary nodded. "Yes, that's it. He's a rather nice little guy." Suddenly noticing who she was talking to, Mary shuddered and turned her back on Kuwabara, pointedly staring out the window. "SO, YUUSUKE. HOW'RE YOU DOING TODAY?"

Yuusuke gagged.

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_Super suitable time lapse to the few hours the guys are spending on the island from the time they win to the time the boat takes them home_

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"Well!" Mary cried. "That was fun!"

Yuusuke glared at her. Kuwabara glared at her. Hiei glared at her. Kurama would have glared at her, but the very sight of her kind of made him gag.

"Let's go home where Hiei and I will conveniently declare our undying love for each other and run off to Makai to start a family and he'll tell Yukina he's her brother and Yukina will be so happy that she's going to have lots of little nieces and nephews!"

Hiei unsheathed his katana.

Kuwabara cheered him on. "Do it, do it, do it, do it!"

Yuusuke applauded loudly.

Kurama lined the floor with the newspaper-from-nowhere.

Mary moved to kiss Hiei.

The newspaper turned red.

Mary looked down at the katana pierced through her chest.

"Oh, silly Hiei," she giggled. "I'm really Kari, of course! I have super shapeshifting abilities, too, don't you know. Mary is in the room."

Kari died.

Hiei looked at the other Tantei.

They all ran.

Mary was left behind and never mentioned again from that day forward.

Yuusuke and Kuwabara declared their undying love for each other on the boat.

Hiei and Kurama ran off to start a new life in Makai, find a way to have children, and start a small, exclusive family of thieves.

Keiko, Shizuru, Yukina, and Botan all sort of paired themselves off with each other.

Genkai ended up with Koenma.

Jorge lived out a lonely life serving Koenma's every beckon call and eventually hooked up with Mary's departed soul, who called herself Shoshana.

Everyone lived reasonably happily ever after.

The end.

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¹"Mary" is short for "Mary-Sue," but I don't particularly like the name "Sue," so it's just "Mary."

²Because, you know, Kurama and the gang are from Japan. They're bound to get a blatantly American name like "Mary" wrong.

³Dear Inari, if you actually think Jigirstoushinhasankun-wa means _anything,_ I don't even _want_ to know what you're smoking. "Jigir" is rooted in the word "Jaeger," "Toushin" is rooted in the words "Tousan" and "Kaoshin," "Ha" is spawned from "Kokuryuuha," "San" is a respective name ending meaning "Mrs., Mr., Miss," or a generally superior person, "Kun" is a name ending used commonly among boys who are friends and is similar to the name ending "Chan," and "Wa" is one of the last letters of the Japanese alphabet. Pronunciation, by the way, is something like this: JEE-gir-STO-shin-ha-san-kewn-WA.

Note: this fic makes fun of all other Mary Sue fics (it's been done, I know, but it's fun), which is why Hiei and Kurama are so blatantly a couple (having sex every night, sitting on each other's laps, et cetera). I am a furious HieixKurama shipper, but I don't necessarily think it should be a part of the series (or, at least, I know it isn't). The ending "this is what happens after we leave them" was very tacked-on and very, very random, which was intentional because Mary-Sue fics are random and tend to add random facts that are totally non-canon and make no sense.

Note: about Kurama only speaking Japanese. I _know_ many fans haven't seen the subs, I _know_ many fans don't know Japanese—hell, I had to go to a J-E dictionary for most of the words used in this chapter—but just the fact that they _try,_ and some of them so blatantly think they can pretend they _do _know Japanese. This entire fic is a giant-scale parody, remember. Nothing written here is to be taken seriously.

All Kurama's Japanese and what it means (be mindful, the phrases are probably grammatical nightmares):

"Eeto, Yuusuke-kun… 'Irasshai wa Ankoku Bujutsukai,' ne?"

"Errr, Yuusuke… 'Welcome to the Black Martial Arts Tournament,' is that right?"

"Gomenkudasai?"

"May I come in?"

"Konban wa."

"Good evening."

"O? Sou ka? Kamoshirenai Hiei dame watashi wakachiau wa, mushiro?"

"Oh? Is that right? Might Hiei and I share a bed, instead?"

_Shineh, yaro._

_Die, bastard._

"Daredemo anta iidasu?"

"Whoever are you speaking of?"

"Sou da."

"Right."

"Hai."

"Yes."

"Demo—"

"But—"

Note: I warned you of the stupidity. It's your own fault for having read it. I refuse to reimburse you for any brain cells which may have been lost over the processing of this story.

MAJOR note: you know what? After getting some odd reviews about how bad the Japanese grammar is, I've decided that I don't care. I know I can't speak Japanese, and it's really better that it's bad, in the long run, because as I've stated and restated many times, THIS. FIC. IS. A. PARODY. Want me to spell it for you? P-A-R-O-D-Y. So all you people making fun of my bad grammar (which I've SAID is bad), honestly, you can fuck off.


End file.
